The Fool's Journey

Lesson 9: Communing with Nature

2010-06-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

Recently I did a reading where I pulled the High Priestess as my significator (that's the card that represents the person asking a question).

The High Priestess is a guide to those who are willing to venture deep within their minds to discover the true powers hidden inside each of us. If you accept the Shadow within you, its powers will be open to you if you wish to use them.

In most people the Shadow (or subconscious) side is passive, but no less powerful, and the Priestess advocates a need for passivity in a situation or in your life at a given moment. It is not always necessary to act; sometimes goals can be realized through inaction.

The High Priestess represents the mysteries of the unconscious and the Inner Voice, and her appearance is often a sign that your own intuition is trying to send you a message. The unconscious often speaks to us in symbols, so be alert around you for anything that seems out of the ordinary. This said, if you have an important decision to make when the Priestess appears, this is often a sign that the answers will be revealed to you, if you are patient and open to the whispers from within. You simply have to wait and be receptive to inner messages.

I chose this particular card for its artwork because it was the first High Priestess card I found with the priestess surrounded by nature. Most High Priestess cards have the priestess either in a temple or under the moon, or both. The moon represents the feminine and all things of the night. But I am more interested in the High Priestess of the Nature Goddess, so I wanted to find her in nature, rather than sequestered in a temple.

On Thursday morning, my daughter and I are going to a secret cabin in the mountains in southern Colorado and we'll be there for a week. I'm only going to take one thing for my mind to focus on: The Magical Diaries of Lilith Fyerider. I have to read through the manuscript again and prepare more submissions. Then I can mail them when I get back in a week. With zero distractions I can finally get my head into it.

Basically the idea is to go deep into nature, be quiet, commune with nature, listen, let my senses come alive, become more perceptive and receptive, more intuitive and imaginative, clear out distractions and focus.

Lesson 8: Playing a Role

2010-05-30T19:09:00.000-07:00

One of the skills that don Juan teaches Carlos is is to stalk himself. An aspect of stalking oneself is to take on different roles. The purpose of this is to keep us from getting too attached to one way of being and taking ourselves too seriously.

By staying fluid, the warrior-sorcerer is able to stay grounded and centered in any situation. So we step into different situations and roles intentionally in order to practice being fluid and flexible.

Of all the cards in the tarot, the Fool represents that way of being the best. The Fool is the first card of the Tarot deck and its essence is about doing new things. Often we get stuck in routines and old patterns, which no longer suit us, but we hold onto them because they bring us a feeling of safety. This card is about mixing it up a bit and perhaps doing something a little daring!

Notice the imagery in this particular Fool card I chose. She's wearing the jesters hat because the Fool is a playful jokester, an entertainer. There are also a couple of masks in the picture to show how comfortable the Fool is with playing different roles. I like the way this character is in a flexible position, like she's beginning to do a back flip.

The reason I've chosen this subject for today (aside from the fact that Uranus is the ruling planet of the Fool in tarot-astrology) is because I've begun to realize that it's time for me to put my full focus back on Trinity and Journey to Artemisia. I need to get completely into the character of Trinity.

She's going into the world of the magical forest beings. In that world, her perceptions are different from the human world. Even her body begins to change, taking on a blue tint and she stops wearing clothes.

I'll probably make one more blog post, then go off-line for a while so I can quiet my mind, completely immerse myself in nature and become Trinity.

Lesson 7: Inspired Like a Child

2010-05-29T15:51:00.000-07:00

I'm still working with the energy of the 5th house Sun, and Uranus in Aries (my solar 5th house). Each day I will incorporate a tarot card, either one that represents the subject of the post, or a card that I pull randomly from the deck.

Today I'm working with the Princess of Wands. This picture is from the Fairy Tale tarot by Lisa Hunt. I'm always looking for new and unusual artwork in the tarot. I really like this one because in this picture I see Trinity, the main character of my latest novel, Journey to Artemisia.

Unfortunately I've been having a bit of writer's block with that novel for a few weeks now. I think it's because I've reached the part of the novel where she enters the magical world. My creativity and imagination really need to kick in now and instead I'm stuck with some old rough draft pages that are not inspiring me at all.

It's probably fear that's blocking me. I want to create a world for her that is very magical and fantastical, but not so far removed from our reality that readers won't be able to relate, and I sure as hell don't want to do a Harry Potter rip-off.

The upside is that I've been through writer's block before and it doesn't last forever. So for now, I'll play around with the ideas that have been sparked by this tarot card.

The Princess of Wands represents the brief creative spark that comes to you, suddenly and unexpectedly, and starts you down the road of a new creative vision. She has a vivid and childlike imagination. Her ambitions are high but not unattainable; she will challenge herself but probably not overstep her limits unless pushed to do so. She accepts change because she is the agent of change, the catalyst and the creative visionary. As a lover, she has almost unlimited passion and enthusiasm.

When the Princess of Wands appears in your life she often comes at a time when you need her passion for life and her total fearlessness. Her greatest power, in fact, is the power to deal with fears by facing them and seeing them for what they are. She is the catalyst that provokes changes that might be impossible in any other situation.

I just need to let this energy flow through me and the story will come alive again.

Lesson #6: Playing is My Career

2010-05-28T20:12:00.000-07:00

I think I've figured out the riddle. Since Uranus in Aries is affecting my 10th house of career and my 5th house of play, that must mean my career is playing! Plus the Sun, natural ruler of the 5th house, in my chart is the ruler of my 2nd house of resources and earned income. It also just happens to be my time lord for this month, and it's currently in my 12th house of arts and mysticism.

So today I'm going to talk about the Sun in tarot-astrology and more about what playing for a living is about. In astrology, the 5th house is ruled by the Sun.

This is the House of creation and recreation. It is about how we express our creativity: art, music, dancing, acting, writing, poems, songs, stories, athletics, craftsmanship, putting our personal style into what we make or do, creating beauty in any material form or in any mental or physical activity, how we appreciate creativity in others, how we enjoy art & music, how we find joy through the perception of beauty in any form. It is also about romance, courtship, love-making, and children, our personal creations, and how we seek recreation: games, sports, pastimes, hobbies, concerts, theatre, gambling, dating, child-like play, and playing with children.

I don't know if it's true of everyone's career, but certainly mine is based on creativity. Work and creativity are intimately tied together. If I'm not creating, I'm not working. But it also needs to be playful. If I don't enjoy what I'm working on, nothing happens. Nothing gets done.

Most importantly, I can't imagine it any other way. I tried it the other way and was miserable. I could rarely get to work on time because it was (almost) the last place I wanted to be.

Now when I wake up in the morning, there is a playful calling, a call to adventure that is enticing me. The sun says, "Come on, get out of bed. You have this glorious day to live. What wonderful things will you do today?"

What I struggle with, though, is the voice in my head that demands productivity. I'm often at war with that part of myself. So I need to see how I can make friends with it.

Lesson #5: Life is Lila

2010-05-28T07:42:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was writing about feeling overcome by playful, childlike energy and wondering what to do with that. I always have this voice in my head that tells me I'm lazy (thanks Mom! :D hehe... just teasing). But if I say that out loud, someone always points out to me all the things I've accomplished and therefore I can't really be lazy.

Yet, lately, when I started feeling like I didn't want to do anything that might vaguely resemble work, it made that "you're lazy" voice in my head a little nervous. I could feel it trembling inside, looking around and thinking, Should I say something about this?

But I've trained myself to allow some time for observation before I freak out. It's a necessary life strategy. Otherwise, I'd be freaking out all the time.

One of my intentions was to create a magical life where I didn't have to think about money anymore and I created that. The Universe/ Spirit/ Intent/Goddess/Source/Providence/ the Elusive Unnameable has kept it rolling in and finally I realized, like a light-bulb turning on, that I had achieved that intention. In other words, I was fully aligned with Intent.

The reason I wanted to create a life where I didn't have to think about money was because of the other intention I originally wrote about in this same blog back on March 21st, 2009, titled "The First Step": http://thefoolsjourneyamemoir.blogspot.com/2009/03/first-step.html

I said, "Every decision from this point on will be based on love, not fear." One of the things I discovered was that if I didn't trust that my needs would be met, it was very difficult to live such that all my decisions were based on love rather than fear. So really the first step was to create a life where I trusted that all my needs would be met. And recently I've come to see that I achieved that intention.

So I haven't completely figured out yet how to work with this playful, childlike energy. I'm just going to surf it for a while and see how it goes. One of the things I did was order The Ultimate Anti-Career Guide by Rick Jarow from the library. I want to listen to it again because this is the sort of thing he talks about.

He says, "Imagine your whole life as Lila, the play of the Divine."

Here's a basic definition of Lila from Wikipedia: "Lila is a way of describing all reality, including the cosmos, as the outcome of creative play by the divine absolute....It is created out of Bliss, by Bliss and for Bliss. Lila indicates a spontaneous sportive activity of Brahman as distinguished from a self-conscious volitional effort....The basic motif of an unfolding or flowering cosmos is expressed here specifically in the relation of male to female, as well as in terms of consciousness and intentionality....the all-comprehensive Divine Being in its cosmic aspect of playful, aimless display (lila) - which precipitates pain as well as joy, but in its bliss transcends them both."

"Lila is comparable to the Western position of pandeism, which describes the Universe as God taking a physical form in order to experience the interplay between the elements of the Universe."

Boiled down to its simplest form, life is play. We're like children in the cosmic playground. Most of the time we're alive in the bliss of play, but sometimes we bump our heads, like when I was in preschool. Standing on top of the fort, a boy told me, "Stay here. You're my prisoner." But when I saw my mom walk onto the playground, I rushed to the slide. On my way down I saw the little boy standing at the bottom with an angry look on his face. I slipped straight into his fist in my gut.

I sure hope things go better for me now. :D

Lesson #4: Surfing the Weird Energy

2010-05-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling weird lately and I don't quite know what it is. I'm going to guess it's the shift of Uranus into Aries tonight. This planet shifts signs every seven years, so when it makes a shift, it's a major event.

I was looking forward to it, but now I feel sort of "out of control," like I don't want any boundaries or restrictions on me. I just want to play all day. That's why I think it's caused by Uranus moving into Aries because Uranus is the planet of lightening bolts and revolutions. This planetary energy wants to break boundaries and restrictions. Aries is firey energy, a youthful ram, ready to run at the world, spontaneous.

It's effecting two houses in my chart, two areas of my life, the 10th house of career and the 5th house of play. So it's no wonder that all I want to do is play. Oh my, what am I going to do with this playful, childlike energy? I don't know yet. Right now I'm just surfing it to see what it feels like.

Here are a few links if you want to learn more about the effects of Uranus in Aries:

http://www.lynnkoiner.com/astrology-articles/the-great-jupiter-uranus-conjunction-of-2010

http://www.theastrologyblog.com/2010/03/uranus-in-aries.html

http://www.facebook.com/notes/astrogrrlcom/uranus-in-aries-may-27-to-august-13-2010/425500570954

Lesson #3: Acting Without Expecting Anything

2010-05-26T08:38:00.001-07:00

This is one of the teachings that is very difficult for many people to grasp, especially in our culture. Living in a capitalistic economy we tend to turn everything into a commodity. Labor is a commodity, so when we do anything, we Americans want to feel we've gotten our money's worth. The idea of acting without expecting anything in return is a foreign concept and yet it is essentially the warrior-sorcerer's way of life.

Only when you act without expecting anything in return are you free. If you are attached to expectations of a return, you become a slave to that expectation and to whomever has the power to fulfill that expectation.

Now, if you're not yet an impeccable warrior-sorcerer, then I'm not suggesting that in the course of ordinary transactions and relationships you should never expect anything. The irony is that one who has stored up personal power never seems to have problems with this. That's one of the mysteries of the sorcerer's power.

It has to do with a deep knowing. For example, if you know you deserve to be treated with respect, somehow it just happens. But if you're not yet a sorcerer, then you can clearly state your expectations and call on intent.

Let's say you're engaging in any kind of relationship; if you aren't yet a sorcerer and you meet someone who doesn't treat you with respect (see, if you were a sorcerer, this would never happen), then just state your expectations clearly. Intent requires that we make a clear statement. By standing up for your rights, you empower yourself. This is the same as storing up personal power. The more personal power you store up, the more you become an impeccable warrior-sorcerer.

Most of the time when people expect things, they are just being narcissistic and self-absorbed, playing the victim, not taking responsibility, feeling self-important, and hence "slighted," and in this way they leak personal power. An example might be getting cut off in traffic and seeing yourself as a victim, wasting enormous amounts of energy telling yourself and anyone who will listen about how you were victimized.

Why not just give it up and save all that energy? There are always going to be rude people in the world, including rude drivers, those petty tyrants. When you get into a situation, take responsibility for everything that goes with it, including rude drivers. If you waste any energy getting upset over it, you're draining away your personal power, making yourself weak. It's not worth it. Storing personal power and becoming an impeccable warrior-sorcerer is far more important. Then when you really need that power, when it really matters, it will be at your fingertips, and you will be astounding.

In other words, pick your battles very carefully. If you can always act without expecting anything in return, and take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to you, you will store up immense amounts of energy that would otherwise be drained out through agonizing, feeling angry and confused, feeling like a victim, telling your story to whomever will listen, feeling self-important and righteous. Complaining is one of the worst energy drains ever created by humankind. If there's a problem, don't complain. Take action.

Start by getting over yourself. Lose your self-importance. That's the first step to becoming a warrior-sorcerer. And the more personal power you store up, the more you become an impeccable warrior-sorcerer. Then you discover something truly amazing: you never get cut off in traffic anymore; you never get disrespected. I can't explain how it works. It just does.

Lesson 2: Reality is What You Choose to Believe

2010-05-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

The warrior-sorcerer, don Juan, tells us that a warrior believes everything and nothing at the same time. That's a lot to hold in one human brain, I know. But the purpose for doing so is to realize that reality is only what we choose to believe. This is the freedom of the warrior and the power of the sorcerer.

The two goals of the warrior-sorcerer are to build up personal power and to be free. Castaneda was in a ten-year apprenticeship with don Juan and from that, there are only a handful of his teachings left for us in Castaneda's books. But if we are impeccable warriors and hunt for power, intent will answer when we call.

We're all connected to it. Call it whatever you like: Intent, Power, Spirit, the Unmanifested, the Abstract, the Source, Abundance, Energy. What you call it is not important. It can't really be put into words anyway. But it's always running through us, through everything. It's all around us all the time.

All you have to do is tap into it, slip into your tight, black leather and ride out to conquer the world.

Lesson 1: Mining the Past

2010-05-24T08:39:00.000-07:00

One of the first things don Juan teaches Carlos Castaneda in Journey to Ixtlan is to erase his personal history. The reason for this is to begin breaking the chains that bind us. Our personal history can imprison us because we believe certain things about ourselves and those beliefs imprison us. This is the symbolism of the 8 of Swords card in the tarot.

Sometimes, even worse, can be what other people believe about us. They may want to imprison us in continuity, the belief that, if this is who we were yesterday, then this is who we are today. They may have expectations and not allow for anything else. So their beliefs about who we are and our own beliefs about who we are may not allow us to become who we want to be.

That really bites!

Well, erasing personal history means to shed all of that. The imprisoning swords vanish, the bindings dissolve. The Fool is the epitome of the unbounded spirit, living in freedom in every moment.

It's a great ideal, but walking away from your personal history and jumping off a cliff into the unknown is not necessarily easy, or always beneficial. What I'm saying is that if others are holding us back from being who we are truly meant to be, we are not free.

Deep within our psyches, we store our past. Sometimes, if you have occasion to look back, not just a passing glance, but a deep immersion, you see immense reservoirs of energy compressed and waiting to be tapped. I'm currently having a first-hand experience with that. Restoring that energy from the past is called recapitulation.

So I've been reading Castaneda's books again for the fourth or fifth time, and talking with a friend about how don Juan says warrior-sorcerers use everything in life as a challenge. If they don't have a challenge, they look for one. That way, they're always in training and never become complacent.

For a few days I asked, what's my challenge? Then suddenly intense memories from the past came flooding back and I had the whetstone on which to sharpen my blade. So I dived in head first.

I'm still immersed in it, but am also digging out my journals from last summer. I want to see what I wrote in the hope that with each passing year I grow wiser and closer to freedom.

Or perhaps I grow ever more deluded, but hey, it's a happy delusion. :D

Took A Train from Holyhead, Wales to London, England

2009-06-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

When Sarina and I arrived at the port in Holyhead, Wales, we caught the train to London.

http://www.holyheadport.com/

When we arrived in London, we stayed at the St. Paul's hostel.

http://www.yha.org.uk/find-accommodation/london/hostels/london-st-pauls/index.aspx

The rest of our time in the UK is published here: http://thewarrior-goddess.blogspot.com/2009_06_01_archive.html

The Dublin Plan

2009-04-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

It just hit me this morning that I'm going to Ireland! I've wanted to go my whole life and it just sunk in that I'm actually going. Hopefully my little laptop will easily link to wireless while we're there since I'm planning to take it with me. It has skype too so maybe we'll figure out how to do skype.

I haven't decided yet how long we'll stay, but we're flying in and out of Dublin, so could spend more time there at the end as well. I bought a new copy of Angela's Ashes today. I've read it at least once and saw the film, but want to read it again now before we go.

The First Step

2009-03-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

Today feels like the first day of the rest of my life. Of course, every day is that, but today I really feel it.

It's been three weeks since I left CBS, freedom I had been longing for. It was great that first week to go hiking in the mountains instead of working in an office, but there were a lot of little tasks that needed to be taken care of and then my mom showed up and everything went to hell. Instead of reveling in my freedom, I was suffocating.

Now finally both have been lifted from my life. Now I have the time, the space, and the freedom to find out what it is I could be doing with my life. I've known for some time that I needed a new way to earn my living. It's been almost 5 months since I took a trip to New York (when I was considering getting into publishing), and then to Washington DC just after the presidential election (when I was thinking about getting into politics).

Then on New Year's Day 2009, I made a resolution that this would be the Year of No Regrets. My plan was to quit CBS and head to Europe with Sarina in June. My last day turned out to be February 27th and we will leave for Dublin in early June. We'll spend 10 weeks in the UK.

There is a method to my madness and I want to lay it out very clearly here. Too many of our decisions in life are based on fear, not love. I'm not willing to live that way any longer. Too much of my life has already passed me by because I was too afraid to take action in the moment. I cowered in fear instead of stepping out on the edge -- the razor's edge, as I call it.

I'm ready for transformation in my life and it appears to be ordained in the stars. I want to let go of the past, let it fall away like a snake shedding its skin. Every decision from this point on will be based on love, not fear.

There are many things that have led me to this point, but I will name only a few. A major influence in my thinking has been Rick Jarow, especially through his audio program, The Ultimate Anti-Career Guide. Since I first discovered it in early 2003, I'm sure I have listened to it at least 100 times. I just listen to it over and over again. It is so deep and rich and profound that I learn something new every time. When I reach saturation, I stop listening for a while and then I do my best to put the principles into practice and live them. After a few months, a year, or more, I start listening to the program again and I can see the progress I've made, though I haven't yet fully mastered it.

One of the techniques he suggests is creating a 6-month trajectory for your life. "Choose one thing that if you did it for 6 months you would feel good about your life." It should be what is most pressing, what is most important in your life.

So my experiment is this: for 6 months (from today, March 21st to September 21st, 2009), all of my decisions will be based on love, not fear, and I'll see what happens.

What's most important today is to get my life organized so I have a serene and organized foundation from which to work. After that, I have 4 primary goals:

1) Finish the novel I'm currently writing, The Magical Diaries of Lilith Fyerider. My deadline for completion is April 22nd, 2009, the day before the Pikes Peak Writers Conference.

2) Spend as much time in nature as I possibly can -- hiking, walking, running, biking. That's part of my warrior training.

3) Fall in love.

So, we'll see how it goes...

The Fool's Journey

2009-03-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

This is an experiment.

I made a decision that the choices I make this year will come from love, not fear. I've tried it the so-called "rational, practical" way and I don't think it got me what I really wanted. In fact, it was not rational at all. My decisions have often been based on fear rather than love, but we call that "being practical" and therefore "rational."

Give me a break. Basing your decisions on fear is just as irrational as basing your decisions on love. In fact, when you look at it that way, it's even more irrational.

I made a decision this year to try something different. And because I can't sort it out rationally, I thought, "Well then, just try it out as an experiment and see what happens." I already tried it the way society says it's supposed to be done and I wasn't deeply happy. Not that I think a person should be happy all the time, but one ought to at least feel a general satisfaction with one's life.

So I'm going to go further out on the razor's edge and see what happens. The razor's edge is the difference between what you know and what you don't know. That's why most people won't go there. They'd rather stay imprisoned by the devil they know than risk moving toward the unknown.

This sums up the story in Revolutionary Road, a film that had a powerful effect on me when I saw it in a local indie theater. Both the characters, Frank and April, knew they were unhappy. On some level they knew they were imprisoned in the "hopeless emptiness." But when the devil offers Frank a slightly better lifestyle in the hopeless emptiness (a promotion and a raise), he decides he'll take a more comfortable prison rather than risk the unknown. But April doesn't want a more comfortable prison. She wants freedom and she's willing to pay any price to get it.

The ultimate price is death. Though that certainly wasn't her goal, it shows her commitment to escaping the hopeless emptiness.

As Patrick Henry said when he made the idea famous, "Give me liberty or give me death." In order to truly be free, you have to give up the fear of death. I'm not afraid to die. I don't want to die, but I'm not afraid of it. In fact, I'm not afraid of much of anything anymore. Fear has little hold on me.

My desire for love in every area of my life is too strong for fear to get its vice-like grip on me. The anger I feel at not seeing my desires fulfilled is also stronger than the fear. Together these two energies -- the energy of love that pulls me toward my future -- and the powerful energy of anger that burns through the bindings of fear -- has lead me inexorably toward the unknown.

The reason I have to write about it is because the path is as unknown as the destination. So it's almost as if I create the path as I write.

For example, when I ask myself "What should I do with my life?" I'm not even thinking in terms of career or money. Instead, I ask myself, "What is it that I truly want to do? What is it that my heart is calling me to do?"

In order to do this, it is absolutely necessary that I trust in abundance. I have to trust that I can meet whatever comes my way. I have to trust in my own innate resourcefulness. I have to trust in my ability to draw the resources to me when I need them. That's why so many people make their life choices based on fear because they don't trust their own resourcefulness.

I'm going to do an experiment this year. I'm going to trust myself. I'm going to trust my resourcefulness. I'm going to trust my inner guide, my daemon, whom I call Artemis. I do trust myself and I trust my daemon.

This is not about, "How can I make money?" It's about, "How can I express my True Self? How can I fully express the person I am meant to be? If I do that, will the rest take care of itself?"

That is the basis of the experiment.

It's about following my heart, trusting that if I do so, things will work out okay, maybe even better than okay. It's about love, letting love guide me. I want to bring love into every area of my life.

This is what people think of as a "spiritual journey." You start from your core, your deepest inner being, rather than what's on the outside. As I said, I'm not looking for a job or a paycheck. My desire is for true self-expression. This is not a fashion statement. It's a statement about who I am at the core of my being. It's about the meaning of my life.

When you weigh a pile of money against the meaning of your life, there's no contest. How can a person ever sell out the meaning of their life for a pile of money? That's not to say you can't have meaning and money, but I'm talking about trading the meaning of your life for money, so there's no more meaning, just the money. Even if it were a billion dollars, without meaning in your life... it's... well... meaningless. It's empty. It's pointless. It's the "hopeless emptiness."

Yet people make that trade-off all the time. They don't want to face their fears of the unknown. They don't want to face failure. They don't want to face the death of their ego, but a part of you dies anyway.

The image and symbolic meaning of the Wheel of Fortune in the tarot is helping me a lot this month to keep things in perspective. The key word to remember is "Surrender." There are some things that aren't worth fighting. You have to find another way to deal with them.

But it's also about feeling fragmented and whipped around by the circumstances of one's life when you're out on the edge of the wheel. When that's happening, the solution is to surrender, let go, stop fighting it, get centered, get grounded. The hub of the wheel is the place where one gets centered, aligned, and grounded. There are different ways to do that. One of the best ways is through meditation.

I often use writing. Some other ways are walking, hiking, or biking. Like today...